24th of September

September 24, 2016

Dear Journal,

            Today, I saw a different me. She’s not the usual sleepyhead who just wants to study all day long forgetting about the world. She was not the one who’s very ashamed of letting her true feelings show. And also, she was at the phase she was more than ten years ago.

            I felt really……………. DIFFERENT.

This was all because of the short video that I happened to have watched when I once stumbled waiting for the ads of Youtube to close. It’s about defining what your real purpose is in this world and what’s also the real meaning of success in this lifetime. It made me thought and realized what kind of mess I have been doing for the past years of my life.

            I spent so many hours just for school and not focusing on other aspects. I even let my social life go down just for grades. In other words, I’ve been a total sucker ever since that incident when my dearest aunt died and I did nothing to save her. I didn’t even cry that much during her funeral and since then, I have really hated myself all the time.

            I could’ve been different.

            Things could have been better if I did not let my anger and selfishness got on the way. I was really wrong. So much regrets and guilt is filling up my heart and I can feel that it is indeed killing me slowly.

            I am really sorry because after all these years, I still blame myself for whatever happened. Even though, it was due to heart failure, I knew there was still a chance to save her. If at least I stopped her from taking cigarettes, or even accompanying her to the doctor — all of it, I refused to do. I lost someone because of my behavior. I lost to the one of the greatest battles of my life.

            This is the reason why I don’t take social relationships seriously, making me a total loner until now that I am in college. All those medals and trophies that I got, no matter if I filled the whole room with it, I realized that they don’t mean anything to me. It’s because those things like achievements are what you need the least in this world. It’s your family and the other people who were the closest to your heart can fulfill every single space in your cold heart. And as for me, I did not use my chances and time wisely, leaving me in a very painful situation like this.

            Nobody knows how much my aunt loved me. She could risk her life for me and I did nothing in return. I broke her heart refusing to accept that love. I lost the greatest person that taught me everything.

            And every single night, I am praying to God that when that time comes when I happen to see her again, a single chance to hug her is enough. With that, I can feel happy. I will finally be fulfilled.

Yours truly,

Angelie

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